A Walk Down Memory Lane

I Found this entry I wrote back when EJ was a newborn, she turns 2 tomorrow so in her honor I thought I'd re-post it...

September 15, 2008

Its the middle of the night and I ought to be sleeping right now, but my heart is bursting at the seams and I want to share a moment of my world with you

August 17th, 2008 I gave birth to Ella-Jean February.

The last 9 months of my life were scary, lonely, exciting, uncomfortable, challenging, and chaotic. My circumstances at some points were so absurd it was almost comical, almost. I was homeless for 5 months of my pregnancy. During the month of January, my car broke down 5 times and then just stopped working completely. I lived in Arkansas for 3 months, in a communal setting with total strangers, while taking part in rigurous Discipleship training School. I gained 45 pounds, I cant believe I just told you that. At 9 months pregnant I let go of my cherished Independence and moved 400 miles away from all my friends and my life in Los Angeles to live with family and be taken care of for a while.

I made it through all that and now....I'm sitting in bed with my beautiful 3 week old daughter snuggled up to me. I know I'm biased but I think she might actually be perfect. She pooped on me in the bath tonight, but its okay. She's sorta changed my whole world. I have dark circles under my eyes because I haven't slept longer than 4 hours at one time since she entered the world, and I don't care. I cant stop staring at her. Sometimes when I'm holding her, I can feel her warm breath on my neck and I just start to cry at how amazing this whole situation is and how grateful I am that the Lord gave her to me, she's new life, she's my new family, and she owns my heart. I know I'm pouring on the cheese but I think being a parent gives me official permission to be a little awkward and emotional. My nightmare was turned into the most beautiful and amazing gift I've ever received. I didn't know my capacity to love until I held her for the first time. And now my cup runneth over. She's perfect. She's a little miracle. Her life epitomizes how God takes our wreckage and creates beautiful new beginnings. And I get to be her mom. I never thought my life would look like this, but I wouldn't change a thing.